I turn 16 years old on Monday.
Birthdays make me think about past birthdays. I think about where I was and what was going through my head last year. We had gone to the Objective Sessions in Nashville a few months earlier, and to be honest I was still processing everything that happened there. One highlight in relation to birthdays was that a complete stranger prayed I would have a good birthday that year. Which is crazy because my past two birthdays had been in the middle of some of the hardest months I have ever been through. Selling our stuff, losing a loved one, getting ready to move. Stress. So, when someone prayed that I would have a peaceful day of celebration and reflection, I was thankful. They didn’t even know me! So cool.
(I did have a lovely day, in case you were wondering.)
Anyways. This year life is a tad bit more steady. It has been consisting of working, preparing, practicing and playing local shows. Preparations for this summer and fall continue and I can’t wait to see them pan out. There is a subtle feeling slowing coming over me lately that our plans are going to work out this time-that we are actually in sync with what God has. Funny how we think our plans are always so good. If everything does indeed go according to plans, we’ll be back in time for a cozy and busy winters work before heading out again. I suppose everything always feels in limbo because for the past few years our presence everywhere has been so indefinite. That’s where I am this year. I’m not sure where invest myself. I guess if it’s for the kingdom than I shouldn’t worry too much about state lines, yeah?
And that is perfectly okay. I’ve been wrestling a bit with myself lately. I feel like I haven’t grown much lately. It’s sad because I go through lulls where the longing I used to have to delve deeply into everything has been replaced by busy hands and moderate activity that just gets me by. There is a lack of passion in everything I do. Perhaps I’m just tired and restless all at once. That lethal combination usually results in me trying to go in slow motion. I hate that feeling. Oh the seasons we bob in and out of seamlessly.
But I continue to look to my Father, He continues to be faithful, and I’ll continually be peering ahead and glancing behind in hopes to grasp that balance of knowing where you came from and seeing the path down which you’re being led (although more times than not there are sharper corners that I anticipated.)
I turn 16 years old on Monday.
I’m not sure if I want to get any older. I love where I am right now. I wish that I could suck in this time in my life-glean all the goodness from it before it disappears. I suppose I’m just afraid I will wake up one day and be 18. Who wants that? I don’t. But I won’t worry now. Because I’m young. I have a lot of life ahead of me and a lot of stupid mistakes to make. I desire with everything in me to allow God’s grace to sweep my heart clean daily, to allow the Holy Spirit to mold it into a heart after God’s, and to let love emanate from me like a lamp on a stand. I desire that my plans that develop as I grow up to be centered around the will of my Father. I desire to end each day having had left behind a sweet fragrance. I know that I have such a long way to go before I attain these goals, and I know I will never reach perfection. But I pray that I grow in character increasingly, and that the Spirit in me uses the messy heart beating inside me to glorify the Creator.
Happy Birthday to me. To Him be the glory in this next phase of life.